I had to work a 12 hour shift today, unavoidably, so I couldn't make it
to Mississauga today to mark things, as I'd hoped. I don't really mind that
I can't get to the cemetery until Friday, though, as I'm certain I carried
more of Malcolm around with me at work today in my memories and feelings for
him than will ever live in that vacant space where his body was placed.
In fact, the moment that we reached that cusp where the scents of departing
summer collide with those of approaching fall when the weather cooled at month's
head, I began to be deluged with powerful sense-memories of the time we lost
Malcolm last year. Every day has been so full of rememberings for the last
couple weeks that there was no need to plan any specifically for today once
I knew I had to be at work. Well, I DID play King Crimson's 'Lizard' and Yes'
'Close To The Edge' back to back in the afternoon, I guess, and I started the day
with stuff from 'Help!' because MX and I watched it together so often. I do regret
not being able to join our mutual friends in Port Credit today, though.
Being there for each other is the subject of the year's lesson in many ways.
That, and accepting people are there for you.
Sense memory is so immediate and visceral it's one of the closest things to time
travel that I know. That time feels so close in that sort of recollection....
I constantly see this apple I stared at in uncomprehension in the churchyard
outside where the memorial service was held in Port Credit whenever i close my eyes.
...and yet, in many other ways, it feels as if it's been ages since my friends was
alive, and eons since we've had to roll the heavy emotional stone of his loss around
day to day life with us. Strange how one time can seem both within scent, and as far
away as the moon.
I have a necklace that I bought about the same time as Mark and Malcolm and I started
our band, a stone circle pendant that I came to consider my 'band necklace; I always
wore it at rehearsals, sessions and shows, or superstitiously rued having forgotten it,
as blame for anything that went wrong. I sort of retired it, like a hockey jersey,
at the end of last year, but I put it on today, and on MX's birthday and stuff.
I have to say the heavy stone weight on my heart today was a bit literal of a
representation to bear for a bit... though by days' end, I barely felt it.
I started to write in my journal about how I felt when I got to work, and got
precisely one paragraph before I totally melted down. Somehow, I hadn't expected
that, I don't know why... it's certainly happened enough times in the past year.
Last year, I would have got my boss to let me go home. But I know how pissed Malcolm
would be if he thought I was still using his death after all this time to excuse myself
from life, so I made myself pull it together, and tried to put my energy into what I
could do for anyone else to make things more pleasant for them instead. Worked quite well,
actually. I adjusted. You have to. It feels like betraying something, but it's actually
the opposite, and I know he'd say so to me to my face... occasionally,
shows up in dreams to do just that, actually.
Much love and support to all who are hurting today and beyond for the loss of our friend,
but no need to fret about where you are on this globe (or beyond) in your remembrance,
what lives of him is there with you, and connects us all.
Love,
Colin Halyk
13 September, 2005